Friday, 03 July 2009

• Selfishness, Advice, and Charlie Brown

   

   

  Sometimes, you’re Lucy.  Sometimes, you’re Charlie Brown.  And sometimes?  You’re the freaking football.

   

  Lately, I’ve been Charlie Brown.  A lot.  In many different ways.  And it wasn’t until last night that I realized: I’ve had enough.  The impetus was simple.  It doesn’t even bear mentioning, but it hit me with all the force of an Acme anvil.

   

  There are all kinds of selfishness.  And last night, in the middle of a moment, I realized: crap, you don’t care about me at all.  (No, not that kind of moment, you pervy lot.)  I know that I should’ve seen it, before.  I should pay closer attention.  But I didn’t.  So, the fault is partially mine.  So, I’m going to give you all some friendly advice: don’t settle.  For anything, in any capacity.  Friends, lovers, family, work, dreams, hopes, or seemingly impossible flights of fantasy. 

   

  • If a friend doesn’t bother to ask how you are—he/she are not your friend.
  • If a friend does not seem interested in something you said, and it’s a repeated offense, they are very self-involved. RUN.  Don’t walk.  Don’t look back.  And no, there will be no $200.
  • If a friend continually asks you for favors, you might want to consider the fact that they’re using you.  Especially if the courtesy is not extended to you.  All relationships are about give-and-take, and no power dynamic is equal.  But it should be pretty damn close.
  • If a lover cannot keep a date, you have a right to be angry.  If he/she acts like a petulant child, FLEE.  Dating diapers, emotionally speaking, is not FUN or PRETTY. 
  • If a lover cannot remember how you spell your name, you’ve gotten involved with an idiot.  Sounds harsh, I know.  However, if it’s important to him/her, special note will be taken.
  • If a lover does not call—he/she is an asshole.  Unless bleeding in a hospital somewhere, that’s not okay.
  • If a lover cannot hold a conversation with your friends, they are not as interesting as you think.
  • If a lover does not make special time to get to know your friends, he/she might be a bit of a controlling ass.  And yes, it should be his/her idea.  Otherwise, Danger!  Danger, Will Robinson.
  • If a coworker tries to take credit for something that you did together—call Jennifer Jason Leigh, because he/she might be trying to Single White Female you.  Or just steal all the thunder. Either way: not cool.
  • If a coworker cannot follow through on a promise, do not ask him/her for help.  That’s setting yourself up for a mud-faced missed punt return.
  • If a coworker continually asks your for help, but does not appear grateful, he/she ISN’T grateful.  They’re just making your dance like a pet monkey.  Do you really want to be Bubbles the Chimp?  I didn’t think so.
  • If a family member can’t agree to disagree, avoid serious discussions with them, if possible. 
  • If a family member cannot hold a conversation without yelling, saying nasty things, or stomping away—they are not necessarily balanced.  Try not to take it personally.  Actually, that goes for all people; the three examples are bad signs.

   

  Look, relationships—all kinds—are complicated.  But sometimes, they’re not as complicated as we think they are.  And our emotions get in the way.  It’s like wearing rose colored beer goggles all the time—bad things happen!  Sometimes, you just have to put your foot down.  Sometimes, you just have to reconsider.  People can be damn selfish, egocentric disasters.  (Why yes, I am having a cynical moment.)  Not all people are like that. 

   

  But it’s important to put your foot down, when you need to.  It’s important not to let giving the benefit of the doubt hinder your vision.  Otherwise, you’ll be kicking that stupid misplaced football for the rest of your life.  Or you’ll be the football that everyone keeps taking a swipe at.

   

  So, take my advice—that’ll be five cents, please—and figure out which of your friends are selfish jerks.  You don’t have to drop them, or tell them to go screw themselves in anatomically incorrect way.  But you should, at the very least, learn from it.  And be a little more cautious.

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