Saturday, 04 July 2009
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Everything is a version of something else
“I don’t know why you still care.”
Those words hit me, hard. Like a brick to the head, or an unfortunately dropped Steinway. Wrong place, wrong time—or was it? I can’t tell. But it left me kind of dizzy, confused, and…contemplative. (Granted, a lot of things leave me pensive. But, still.) It wasn’t said in uncompassionate way, just incredulously. As if I’d stated that I had the intention of dying my hair green. Some things just don’t make sense, and they’re bound to confound others.
I don’t know if it’s fair to expect someone else to understand. I know that I don’t always understand things. And, honestly, I don’t always understand myself. But I know that there isn’t some kind of light switch for emotions. Yes, I'll admit that I don't care in the same way I once did, but I do still care.
You fall apart. You grow apart. You breakup, or stop talking. You move away. The exact way a relationship dies doesn’t really matter. Something happens. Either you fall out of love, or realize that it wasn’t love to begin with. You realize that you don’t have anything important in common, and you can no longer relate—and the friendship dissolves. Whatever happens, it happens.
And time passes. Lives surge forward, or sideways; things progress. But isn’t there always a small part that still cares? At least in the back of your mind, or your heart, or wherever. Or maybe that’s just me. I tend to hold on to things, all things. Emotions are no exception. I tend to think it’s a special kind of hubris, when one person attempts to control the heart. Order it around, command it to sit, beg, or roll over. It’s usually at that point your heart turns into Cujo. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
But back to the beginning—“I don’t understand why you still care.”
I want to scream. Or cross my arms, glare, and state, “Because I do.” I won’t, because I’m not three years old. No, instead I’m thinking about it. In some instances, letting go means losing hope. At other times, it means giving up something that we cherish. That is difficult, regardless of what it is. It’s a sacrifice.
There are times when caring becomes…detrimental, though. Abusive relationships, manipulative relationships, or even a dynamic where the power balance is more off-kilter than the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It’s impossible to see clearly if you care. Let me repeat that: it’s impossible to see clearly if you care. And it’s that very thing that helps us to overlook someone’s flaws, to adore them for all their imperfections.
Caring isn’t about should or shouldn’t. Good or bad. Yes or no. Just like love, it doesn’t bother with wrong or right, perfect or imperfect, timely or untimely. You can’t make yourself fall back in love, anymore than you can talk yourself out of it (someone might consider alerting certain politicians of this). You can’t say, “I’m going to stop caring about my friend, because she’s a mess.” If that were possible, caring wouldn’t mean as much, would it? If it was like choosing between paper or plastic bags at the grocery store. If it was as simple as “I think I’ll forget about you, today.”
But it’s not. It can’t be. And yet, sometimes, love isn’t enough. Caring isn’t enough. It’s then that most people become jaded. Telling the world to piss off, because we felt some kind of miracle—and it went not unnoticed, but worse: it was unappreciated. Or it was appreciated, acknowledged, cherished—but then *bang* something changed. And then it’s difficult to differentiate the lie from the truth, what was from what seemed to be, and all that dances in between.
I don’t really know why I still care. But what I do know is what keeps me from acting on it. It’s not self-preservation, or reason, or even common sense. It’s the history; it’s the chase. It’s the fact that sometimes you realize that you want more. You want more than what can be written on any pages, or conveyed in a simple sentence. Sentence lies, words are easily manipulated, and truths can be quickly covered in convenient shadow. You crave more than just some version of what you’re really after. Anything else just yields a dark dividend of disappointment.
If affection fails, or it’s unreturned, it’s foolishness to tell yourself “Stop caring!” What’s wise is to curb how you act, react, and really—who you tell. (Whom? Oh, frak it.) There’s nothing worse than admitting that you still care about someone you shouldn’t, and being met with a quirked eyebrow, disapproving look, and a “Really?” It makes one feel foolish, instead of reassured.
Yes, caring complicates things. But I dare you—really—to try and avoid it. Live without it. It’s damned near impossible. And if you tell me otherwise? Well, I’ll just assume you’re lying.
Larry: So Anna tell me your bloke wrote a book. Any good?
Alice: Of course.
Larry: It's about you isn't it?
Alice: Some of me.
Larry: Oh? What did he leave out?
Alice: The truth.~Closer
Dan: Deception is brutal, I'm not pretending otherwise.
~Closer
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Comments (16)
Quotes from the movie Closer make me very very happy.
I Truly understand
Speaking from one softie to another...letting go and not caring anymore is, basically, impossible. I still care about my ex's and want the best for them BUT I don't want them back. When I share my concerns with other people about my past boyfriends they look at me like I've gone to the loony bin. I can't help...just because they're all ex's doesn't mean that the time spent with them as their girlfriend has been erased from memory. Good post!
This hits home for me. Well-written, as always.
I love that movie. Even if it taught me a whole new and filthy language that I didn't need to know quite yet. But I love how it so perfectly, brutally illustrated how self-destructive humans can be when they blindly give into their most basest of desires.
Yes, we should never have to apologize for caring. But man, do I often wish that I cared less!
I love today's post. Just wanted you to know that.
Sometimes I wish it would be easy to stop caring though. bleh. anyways, very good post, and nicely written!
great post. ;]
@storiesandsinker - Me, too! That movie is brilliant and fascinating!
@tequila_sky - Oh, gosh--I'm sorry that I made you tear up! But thank you for reading and commenting!
@WalkingWraven - Thanks! And thanks for reading!
@beautywithin2851 - My dear, thank you so very kindly. Because you said that so well, and I am glad that it's not just me. You know?
@nahoa - Thank you very much on both accounts!
@tenshii_rage - Oh, yes, I learned a bunch of new things from that movie. Some of them, I probably shouldn't. The play is just as stunning, or so I hear. I have the script, but never had the chance to see it.
@kaleidescopeeyes88 - You and me both! It's a pain to care, sometimes.
@fly46 - *smile* Thanks! That means a lot to me!
@just_the_average_jane - I think that we all have that wish, sometimes. It's only human.
@lyratjoe - Thank you very much! I like your profile picture, btw.
"Telling the world to piss off, because we felt some kind of miracle—and it went not unnoticed, but worse: it was unappreciated." Now that's a sentence. Well done.
very well written. though I can't exactly relate, you make me feel as if I can with your words!
You are very welcome! And you're right...it does feel good to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way : )
*claps hands loudly* thank you! many of my blogs speak of this topic. matter of fact this got me going. i've posted some of the start, of what could very well be a chapter book. lol
It hurts when people assume that you shouldn't care anymore and you still do; I've been on the receiving end of that one a time or two. You're spot on about the feeling foolish part.