Wednesday, 08 July 2009
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I’ll Have Coffee with My Coffee: Gilmore Girls, Dating, Marriage, and Quirky Charm
If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to make a good pop culture reference, while sipping on a cup of coffee. Usually, the mug is about the size a small fish bowl, and I might even burst into song. But only if you’re special. Or if I’ve had a fifth cup of coffee. You see, I make coffee that could scald sins off of your soul, or at the very least cause some kind of internal bleeding. If the spoon doesn’t stand up, or run yelping off into the distance, I’ve done something wrong. (Word to the Wise: Never offer me decaf. I don’t care if it’s three in the morning and I’m strung out on pixie stix, coffee cake, and chocolate. Giving me decaf is like handing an alcoholic a Zima: it’s kind of insulting.)
What was my point again? I mean, aside from rambling on with lightning speed, razor-sharp wit, and conveying a charming, impish kind of charisma? (That would be evident in person, I swear.) They tell you that you can’t learn much from watching tv. But I simply don’t agree. From Buffy all the way down to I Love Lucy, you can learn something. Albeit, in the latter case, it might be how to not to make wine, but still. Knowledge is knowledge. Or so the devil tells me.
One of my favorite shows is Gilmore Girls. And Lorelai Gilmore is, without question, one of my television heroes. Self-sufficient to an astounding degree, she left home at the age of sixteen (okay, I didn’t do that), had a kid (okay, I skipped that part, too), and became a successful woman (I’m working on it). Like a caffeine-powered, Jimmy Choo wearing Super Woman, this character possesses a level of quirky charm that could—if she really existed—resurrect Jesus and possibly block out the sun. Okay, I kid.
One thing that I always liked about Lorelai is that she had standards when it came to men. Sure, her dating record was as marred as anyone else’s, but she didn’t date just to date. Recently, I’ve been thinking about all the women I know, and I’m wondering what happened. Instead of focusing on dreams and careers, it’s about finding a boyfriend—any guy will do! Hey, you there! You’ll do! No, not you. You in the blue shirt—and getting married.
Somewhere, the Ghost of Sadie Hawkins is doing a waltz. In her wedding dress, I assume. What else would she be buried in?
Now, before you start calling me a Marriage Hating Whore, take a breath. The institution of marriage, while largely flawed, is a good thing. What I don’t get is why so many people I know seem to be settling. As in “If I don’t have a boyfriend, something must be wrong with me—oh, you there! Blue-eyes! You’ll do!” Granted, the moment you walk out of the womb, some of your relatives will be plotting your nuptials. By then, it’s too late. You can’t very well crawl back in. (And trust me when I say, nothing is more humiliating that a female relative telling you to go hang out at the nearby army base to find a husband. Because you’re twenty six, unmarried, and therefore some kind of a societal leper. Note to those concerned: men are not fish. If I wanted to catch something, it’d be a trout.)
So, enter onto the scene the fictional Lorelai Gilmore. Her dating disasters rival my own, except she has a slightly better wardrobe. Granted, I’ve never left anyone at the altar, or proposed to someone. But still. Work with me here. Aside from the coffee-guzzling, pop tart eating, flawless skin, and keen fashion sense, that is something I admired about the character: she didn’t settle.
When I look around at all the people I know—friends, acquaintances, family members—I consider that maybe I’m the Dodo bird. And then I realize that so many people are in bad relationships. Or they’re in relationships just to say, “Hey, Look! I’m not alone.”
Because, strangely, there’s something wrong with that. And instead of worrying about ourselves, and our future, we’re wondering what kind of flowers to have at our beach wedding, to the guy we met last week. All things must lead to marriage, after all.
There’s nothing wrong with dating. It can be fun, when it isn’t a total disaster (I really should share some of those stories. They’ll make you weep caffeinated tears, I swear). There is, in my opinion, something wrong with waking up one day and realizing you have a boyfriend that you don’t even like. Or who your friends find incredibly boring, because he is duller than a silver spoon buried in dirt for twenty years. And yes, mea culpa, because I’m referencing women, and maybe I sound a little sexist. But most of my friends are women, and the guys are either married or single. Maybe it’s the social stigma—bachelors vs. old maids. I don’t know.
So, yeah. I want it all. The Jimmy Choos, the writing career, and the guy who can make me laugh, until I nearly snort coffee. I don’t care if he’s divorced, or has kids, or has a tattoo on his ass. My standards aren’t etched in stone, either. I’m flexible. (That’s what she said!) But I do have standards. I won’t do what I’m “supposed” to do. I honestly prefer to be a little quirky. Not Courtney Love quirky—but Lorelai Gilmore quirky.
If I like a guy, I’ll date him. If not, hand over the coffee and go. Life shouldn’t only be about the Pursuit of a Husband. Or the Pursuit of a Boyfriend. Whichever. My point is that if you don’t know who you are, no one else will either. Unless you figure out what you want, instead of what other people are telling you to want—you can’t really find certainty with someone else. Or in someone else. You can fake it for a while. (There's a joke in there, somewhere, I just know it.)
So, this was a little personal. And a little ranty. But I love to rant. And I’ve had two cups of coffee already. I’m going for a third as soon as my heart decides to settle, instead of trying to break out of its rib prison. Granted, I have my Bridget Jones days. When weddings roll around, or I run into an old friend, I rather loathe the inevitable “Oh, I’m single.” (Or the "are you dating anyone special?" "No, but I'm dating a lot of unspecial people. Thanks for asking.") It’s not because I dislike being single (sometimes, I do; I’m complicated like that). No, I don’t like that crestfallen look people tend to shoot me.
Truthfully, I like my freedom. It means that if I see a hot guy (yes, I’m mature), with perfect hair, at Starbucks—I can talk to him. And by Java, I love to flirt. I think it should be an Olympic sport. (It could work. Really.) As long as no one’s bunny gets boiled in the process, all is right with the world.
But hey, that’s just me, and I’m a little more caffeinated than most. Some might say that impairs my judgment. I like to think it keeps things interesting.
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Comments (129)
You might not think too much of a caffeine-induced "rant", as you put it, but christ, you're such an inspiration, Ali. I hate leaving only cheesy comments on your blog time and time again... but my god, you give me such strength, seriously. You give me the power to think that HEY, maybe it's ok to be me, and to want so much more out of life. For some reason, my entire life's been about finding love... about depending on someone else. I'm realizing now that this isn't what will fullfill me. What will, is to go after the things that will make ME proud of ME, regarless of other people.
I like that you stand up for marriage, while nevertheless advocating that it shouldn't be just in the name of not being alone.
I'm struggling with a lot of these issues lately, to be honest... and you're a breath of fresh air. They tell us it's time to settle, time to calm down, time to be a good little girl and pop out the babies, even if we might not want to.
They tell us all these things, girlfriend.... but goddamn, it is SO nice to hear SOMEONE out there who disagrees. Who misbehaves, who is unabashedly, untaintedly HERSELF, to the core. A free spirit who I admire deeply.
Cheers to you, my dear... as sincerely as this emo little heart of mine can. Cheers.
I love the answer of "no, but I'm dating a lot of unspecial people".
Personally, I have always been more comfortable in a (good) relationship than single until this year. This year I realized how much I value my freedom and that I would only give it up for the right guy (Right for Right Now, or Forever, either way, there's no fucking way in hell I'm settling).On the other hand, I like to date. I like first kisses, the nervous late night phone calls and drunk texting. I somehow find humour in all my dating mishaps. Yet, I'm all about saying next when they don't meet my standards, as weird as some of my standards are.
And I definitely agree with nimbus, you are my breath of fresh air and you help me stay strong on days when I would rather settle. It's nice to go hand and hand. I am so thankful for the strength I see in myself through you. Thank you for being in my life ((HUG))
@nimbusthedragon - My whole life was about finding love too, once. Until I thought I had found it and then had my heart ripped out before my very eyes. Now, like you, I'm working on driving my own god damn fucking car and being okay with it. If you ever need someone that understands the pressures of society and is also trying not to settle, I'm here (hug)
Oh do I relate to this post right now. One of my girlfriends is hoping for an engagement ring soon..she's 20, and has been dating the guy for 9 months. Away from her...ever since my boyfriend and I passed the 2 year mark (28 months and counting...), I'm consistently asked about marriage and babies. It's crazy, and rather disturbing.
I LOVE Gilmore Girls!! We should have a marathon, with our cappuccino makers in tow. I lost track of the show around the 3rd or 4th season, but hope to watch the other seasons on Netflix one day.
All I can say is, I can relate to you on SO many levels... it is not even funny.
My, my, you are adorable when you rant.
I would totally medal in flirting if it were an Olympic sport. The wonderful thing about flirting is that it could be both a summer and winter event. I think someone revved up on coffe might just have to blog that topic in more depth. =)
By the time I married, many of my friends were on marriage number two. By the time I hade children many of my friends had grandchildren. I guess my heart has just never been tied to a calendar.
I'll have to share my Courtney Love story again someday. Yay for you not being that kind of quirky! =)
Old Hat
@nimbusthedragon - Aw, Liz, I'm all kinds of blushing right now. Because it means something to me, knowing that you get this--and knowing that maybe it helps you. And for the record girl, I adore you just the way you are. I think you, as you are, is awesome. And I'm glad that you recognize that. Screw what you're supposed to do. Life isn't white fences and puppy dogs. Settling for some sort of outdated ideal is...god, it's worse than decaf. I'm all for rebellion, when it makes sense. Love doesn't make us who we are. At best, it should improve what's already there. You know? Cheers back at you, girl. Find what makes you happy, and pursue it for all you're worth. I'll be here to cheer you on.
@CanadianReflection - Dating mishaps are hilarious. Afterwards. Not always in the moment. I love the little things you learn, the goofy mistakes, the learning--the whole freakin' experience. Sometimes, it sucks, yeah. But there's always something worthwhile to take from it, no matter how obscure or small. Your confidence in me honors me, girl. The fact that anyting I've written could mean that much...I'm flattered. And ((HUGS)) back, girl. Lots of them!
@burnsbringfreckles_hopefully - Oh, wow. I can't even imagine thinking about marriage at 20. At 20, you can't even legally DRINK. Sheesh. Also, congrats to you and R for being together because you want to be; forget the "so, when are you..." questions. It's nobody's business, but your own! Also, I'm totally on board with a GG marathon. I adore that show SO much.
@thekeyhole - Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and comment. And thank you for relating. That means a lot.
I should have known you were a Gilmore Girls fan. *grins* I am too, and Lorelai is my hero as well.
I get the same kind of reaction from people when they find out I'm single. My best friend has asked on a few occasions, "Do you think you'll ever have a boyfriend?" My unspoken response: "Right, because YOU'RE doing so well."
But it's odd that society has come to that, and in a way I suppose it's always been that way. If you aren't with someone, then you're a loser, and you have to grab a guy quickly before you become too old, or no man will have you.
But, like you said, I enjoy the freedom. Being single and caffeinated can be so much more fun, anyway.
*eyes light up* I've got a tattoo on my ass! Marry me now!
Hmm, I may have slightly missed the point there... or have I? *wink*
Err... maybe I need som coffee too...
This is probably one of my favorite posts you've ever written. And, I LOVE Lorelei.
@MelancholyRambler - Ben you make me laugh haha :)
@Blue__Summer - I love learning the little things too and thinking back on the nights I've laughed, cried, drank, stayed out too late, missed class, jumped over people and I wouldn't trade it all for a serious relationship right now. I'm young and having fun, learning more about myself and what I want/need and I see no point in being tied down at 20. The small, obscure things I'm learning and the wonderful, if sometimes painful, embarrassing or just down right funny memories I'm making are worth more than gold right now. More hugs back :)
@Blue__Summer - I fear talking about this has created a rant on my end...I may or may not post it. :)
@ForTheDreamless - I nearly spit out my coffee (a serious move). I love your response to your best friend. That's priceless, and I will steal it. Mwahaha. *ahem* Where was I? Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and comment. I'm glad that you can relate.
@MelancholyRambler - I don't know, Ben. I'm not too keen on the idea of marrying a Smurf. *grin* You are too charming, my dear. The entire future of our relationship hinges on this one question: how many sugars do I take in my coffee? If you guess right, I might consider it. *wink* You know, I think that's the second time you've proposed to me. I am quite flattered. *grin*
@circumstances_mean_nothing - Thank you very much! I'm glad that you enjoyed this!!
@CanadianReflection - Ben is a funny man. *grin* And *raises coffee cup* Here's to being free and not tied down!
@burnsbringfreckles_hopefully - POST IT! *imploring look* I'm curious, now.
@My_HAT_is_older_than_you - Oh, I like you. Quite a bit. Not only are you charming, but you encourage my caffeine habit. It's a pleasure to meet you, so to speak. Please share that story. My interest is piqued.
~Ali
I want to be Lorelai when I grow up. I've always been kind of annoyed by her inability to have a non-dysfunctional relationship, but I've also never thought of it as her not settling before. So now I can love all of Lorelai and not be annoyed. =) Thanks for the insight!
Sugar!? In coffee!? Phft... and I thought you were cool. Nothing more than a half-teaspoon is acceptable and no milk. I may consider rescinding the proposal for this outrage.
@CanadianReflection - Thank you kindly; I am to please *smile*
@AibellFaeire - *grin* Very glad to help! Thank you for reading and commenting, my dear. :)
@MelancholyRambler - Oh, you silly Brit. When will you learn? I'm the exception to many rules. *grin* Also, I've dropped my pen. Would you be a dear and pick it up for me? *smirk*
Hmm, where did you drop it? Because, unless I can reach it on my office wheely chair, I'm afraid you're on your own, dear.
@MelancholyRambler - *pouts*
I love this post. Gilmore Girls is epic =]
As is your writing. x
Oh, that's not fair! You can't just pout everytime you want me to do something because you know it's my weakness! phhhft...
*picks up pen*
Argh, dagnabit.
@IcklePunkBeing - Wow, thank you so much! That is a fantastic compliment! I'm glad that you liked this.
@MelancholyRambler - It was either that or the stern look. *grin*
Nooooo! Not the stern look!
*pouts* You're a meanie.
@MelancholyRambler - *sticks out tongue* Am not!
Gawd, you're soooo immature. I'm keeping your pen now, ner ner ne ner ner
@MelancholyRambler - Am not! Don't make me pout, again! *grin*